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2012/03/02

Kids, Dogs and Underwear

As I approach the big 6 0 I find that I want life a lot simpler.  I do not decorate the house as it is just more stuff to clean and worry about. I don’t wear cosmetics because it take too much time to put it on then worry it is not smudging then more time to take it off.  And the price to look good is ridicules.  I mean a six pack of sock for men is less than 10 bucks.  One pair of socks for a girl is 3 bucks what’s up with that.  And don’t get me started on bra’s. A man came up with the idea and manufacturing came up with idea to put some lace on them and  charge an arm and leg for them.  Give me granny underwear and I will make them last for eternity and be comfortable at the same time.  So I refer to the bra’s that the girls buy now as 5 lbs bras as they don’t hold much and push you in every direction to maximize the 5 lbs boobs into 20 pounders.  Then adding to the underwear cost is Damn Dogs that like to eat them. This is costing me my life saving keeping the girls in undies. The dogs are always two inches behind your push off foot when you’re about to enter the laundry room and they are stealth about it you never see them or hear them.  The door opens and your alone standing in the hall.  You take your first step inside and quickly shut the door.  You feel a draft on your legs but nothing is there.  You go about your business of doing laundry.  Then you leave the room, again with the draft.  Now by the time I get upstairs there’s an offending dog just in heaven with his new found treasure exercising his mouth.  I grab the undies and take them back to the laundry room and I catch movement in my room :as it is across from the laundry room. What the HELL ,it’s another dog chewing up another pair of undies. He is not so quick to give up his loot so he grabs them and runs.  Now I am not chasing a dog to save their underwear. I yell up stairs “HEY you guys! The dogs got some bodies underwear”.  Chaos breaks out upstairs and with teenage girls there is a lot of drama that goes along with the chaos.  A few moments later one comes in my room, one hand on her hip the other holding out what looks to be the remains of underpants. Mom the dog keeps eating my underwear.  I said” don’t flatter yourself they eat everyone’s underwear.” Without a word she storms upstairs and I hear the sound of the cabinet door slam that contains the garbage, as she mutters Bastards.  Later that night here comes one of the girls complaining that her bra is broken.  I said” how do you break a bra?” look it broke in the middle you have to fix it. Well here’s your problem you have a 5 pound bra and you’re trying to put 10 pound boobs in it. In walks another kid and she want to see the problem and starts in how I have to buy her a new bra because  she is wearing the other girls bra’s then she starts teasing the girl with the broken bra, saying she wants boobs like hers and I need to buy her a bra that makes her boobs closer, as she proceeds to show us her cleavage or lack thereof. Holy Cow batman just put your elbows together and get the hell out of here with your underwear problems.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be so consumed with underwear or the lack thereof.

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