Sleeping with the dogs

I love to have the dogs sleep with me that being said when the numbers grow that love then turns into exhaustion. Now, one would just kick them out of the bed but that is not as easy as it seems.  They roam around and get into things and that is even worse. I do have a king size bed but it still does not matter when you have 12 dogs that all want what they want and that is glued to me.  Now the perimeter of my body is just so big and cannot accommodate all the dogs.  It starts out as an exhausting effort to just get in the bed. I make my bed every morning and the dogs scritch and scratch  till they pile the blankets into the middle of the bed.  Now the dogs are buried, burrowed and all over the top of the  pile.  None of them want to be moved so they flatten themselves out and roll over making them heavy and awkward to pick up and of course they go to the head of the bed where I have to crawl up to get them, as my bed is in a niche between the wall and the fireplace entering  from the bottom and crawling up to the head. As quick as I get one or two off and go for more they jump back on.  This can go on for eternity if I allow it.  So now I have to use my outside voice to let them know I mean business. I grab the blankets and un-wad them and get them straightened out so I can get into bed. The mass entry into bed then set off chaos, some are romping and playing, some are arguing over a spot they want and the rest are all in my spot.  I have to grab the side of the blanket and roll them over to the other side so I get in and then yell at them to stop growling at each other.  Once I get in I hold the blankets up so they can all craw under them, sounds easy.  One has to make a gazillon turns in each direction before she can get under the blanket. One wants to be last in bed so he sits in Archie chair waiting for the lights to go out before he gets in, less drama I guess.  There are the outside leg sleeper, The inside leg sleeper, the stretch out and don’t any one touch me sleepers, the ones that need to be in the crook of your neck , the ones that have to prop their heads up with some part of my body and so on and on. The outside leg sleepers are the good ones they put their backs next to yours and that 101 temp radiates a gentle warmth  that is soothing to the vintage body. The inside leg sleepers are the worst they put the feet in you back, butt torso and were ever else they can  find. Stretching can be pain full for the vintage body and rolling over does not seem to bother them the fact that I am laying on their legs does not affect them. So now I have to pull legs and feet out from under me and they will not move so I take my foot and push them away from me .Not having any hair they slide real good. One, will only sleep between my knees after he is sleeping I can roll over and he will not move but do not try this before he is asleep as this adds several minutes on to the settling process. Gertie has from the time she was born slept in my arm pit.  I know three years later and she can’t sleep without being in the arm pit of some one.  The new girl Julie wants to sleep on my neck, this does take some thinking outside the box to make this all work so I can move in the morning. Stiff neck sore shoulders and back ace are common symptoms of sleep with a lot of dogs. On top of all of this the new girl Julie snores and she is sleeping on my neck.  The buzz saw can cut a few cords of wood a night.  So I pray I fall asleep before her. In between all of this is the grumbling and bitching from them all.  Just as we all get settled and sleep now seems possible Cabot leaves Archie chair and wants in under the blankets. Now he is an alpha so he just plops on whoever is where her wants to be. My GAWD will you all stop and go to sleep, is a common phrase used in this nightly ritual. Now I have tried to kennel them but Oh Hell no they cry all night.  The Hooligans can be kenneled and will not fuss to much so on those nights I need my sleep I will kennel them.  It cuts down on all the friction and there is less prep time involved in going to bed.  Then just as sleep is starting to take over one of them farts.  For a 10 lb dog the gas that emanates  from them is lethal. You cannot tuck the blankets in so it does not escape so one must fan the covers now everyone thinks it time to get up.  Some nights are much worse and some I take a pill.