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2012/07/07

Love lose and fear



We as humans all possess the same emotions to what level of intensity we feel these emotions and how we act on them comes from our own personality's and experiences. We often stand in judgment of others who may not show their feelings as we think they should; I confess to doing the same.  The impressions we leave on others as we go though our emotional days and lives can make an impact that we may never know or understand, on others around us. I was never raised to be fearful. I was raised to believe in the good in people and to know that my instincts are my best guide. If the hair on my neck is up I am gone. It was that simple for me.  I am dumped on often and taken advantage of but I am still holding on to the simple faith in humans. It is a struggle to remain this way but I am now trying to teach this to the kids. Trust people but don't, what a mixed up message that is. I have no idea if I will ever get that message across to them but I still try.  I do not want them to live a life of fear of everything; they came to me that way I don't want them to live that way.  I know that my behavior is what they watch and fallow so I have to live the words I preach daily.  I want them to not be afraid to feel, but how you react to those feeling is what is important. I try to react to things that scare me or are so sad I am devastated by them in a calm almost emotionless state, and just talk about how I feel on the inside, reacting to logic rather than raw emotions. When in reality I just want to let go and let it flow.  My anger is the only one that I do not have total control of and my mouth will just open and spew till I am done.
This past week started out a little disappointing but not bad all in all. Then it took off like a freight train doing full speed and no breaks, out of control. It started with the unhappy ranting of the noise that surrounds the holiday that seem to never end and cause such distress with the dogs and the sleepless nights it cause me wears on my nerves. To losing my dog and not even knowing she was gone for almost 24 hours.  Trust me I have beat myself so bad for this I am not sure if I will ever get over this.  It started with the local fireworks that are held on the 3rd of July ever year. Now the traffic jam that is created by these festivities are so bad I will not drive we will walk the mile to the park and watch them or find a viewing spot along the highway to see them. I did not want to go this year because the heat and bug and at my age I have seen enough to last the rest of my life. I have a couple of dogs that do not do well with the noise and it is impossible now to shield them from it as it is all around us now.  I was so focused on my Toy Fox Terrier that went missing on a camping trip years ago when the unexpected fireworks started booming around us.  I worry about her she whines and cries as she paces the floor, she will try to hide in the house; it is most unsettling to watch, helpless to do anything to relieve it. And then come dinner time the 4th to find that my Chiquita is missing. I still do not know exactly what happened but the closes I can come is I let the dogs out at dark the fireworks had started and the noise was already a pain.  I thought all the dogs had come back in when I went to bed. The girls came in around 11:30 and the dogs barked but all, I thought were gated inside my room.  The next day we went on with our days not counting or paying any attention to the fact that she was not in the house. Later that afternoon when we fed the dogs she was no were to be found. I do not have children of my own but the foster kids and dogs in my charge are as important and loved as if they were my own flesh and blood. The numbing fear I felt and disbelief that she would ever leave me hit me like a ton of bricks. I went through such a gambit of emotions that I became physically sick.  I remained calm and emotionless on the outside so as to not scare the kids but quickly we jumped into action. We split up and went in four directions looking for her, even though I knew we were in fact looking for her body. Chiquita knew the area and would know how to get home.  I knew if we did in fact find her, it would be her body.  I pushed back the tears and marched on looking.  I have no idea how long we spent but knew it seemed like eternity. I came back home and started calling every shelter and vet in my local area leaving messages as it is a holiday and no one is in the offices to answer phones. My mind was trying to logically put some order in my thoughts so I would be able to stay calm. Knowing she must be with somebody or someone took her.  She was not outside in the heat that is pressing 100 degrees not counting heat index. I had to hold on till Thursday.  I now am so physically ill that I went to bed and took a pill so I could get through this mess I believe to be my entire fault.   I heard the wind and rain outside and found it soothing and went back to sleep only to hear my door bell at around 3:30 am or so.  I jumped up thinking someone has found my dog. As I ran up the stairs in a sleepy stupor I got to the top of the stairs and saw red flashing lights reflecting off the garage, trees and the camper.  I ran out the back door trying to find the sours of the lights: as I looked down the drive way I saw many police cars and fire tucks surrounded with many scurrying emergency workers. I took off running with full throttle fear racing though me.  I got to the front of the house to see a fireman talking through a crack in my front door, with my kids.  The fire man asked if I lived in this house and I said" yes I just came out the back door".  We were instructed to stay in the house because our tree had fallen in the storm that had just went through and the live power lines are down and in the street. I went inside and surveyed the situation taking place in my front yard.  Indeed my tree in the front that was sickly had broken off and fell on the lines.  It ripped the power box and lines from my house and left us without power.  The live line lay across my yard and the highway with fire trucks and police cars blocking both directions and yellow crime tape strung up around the area. How the Hell could I sleep through this and my kids heard it all and never woke me.  They just stayed in their beds knowing I was taking care of whatever shook them from their sleep. Now I have another mishap on my watch that I let get by me because I let my guard down and allowed myself to embraces my fear of losing my dog and made myself sick and took to the bed to sleep away all that was making me feel this way. For two hours as I watched the scene outside my window worrying about my dog waiting for the power company to come fix it; I beat the hell out of myself while I waited.  I am just glad that they are not physical wounds I inflicted on myself as I would be a bloody pulp. By 6:30 the power company came got the wire off the ground and told me that I had to fix the power connections on my house before I could have my power restored. I called and left a message at my insurance company and took the cell phone and went back to bed and prayed this was the end of whatever lesson I must learn and that my cell had enough charge to get me through this. My relief started when the phone woke me at 9am or so with a man’s voice saying "you don't know me but I think I have your dog".  I kept the tears back long enough to finish the call with this man who found my Chiquita one mile from home at 9 am the fourth of July.  He told me he called the shelter when he got to work that morning and they gave him my phone number.  He left work went home and picked up Chiquita and she was back in my arms before 10 am. Now there are no words to explain the relief I felt that she was OK after two nights of being gone. At about one minute away from 60 years old I have had this happen two times and never want to experience this again in my life time. I cannot allow myself to think about, the what if's and others that this has happened to because I will not allow myself the leisure of wallowing  in my fear till I have lost myself and the ability to function in times of uncontrollable chaos.


1 comment:

  1. That sounds awful, I'm so glad you're all safe, especially Chiquita! Hope things are better.

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