PARANOIA...

   I find it hard to imagine or believe that my dogs have it in for me. The proof is indisputable and making these little finds hard to believe that they are just a coincident. They have left these little chew toys in varying places to do the most harm.  The humans of this house are unaware of these menacing objects left for us to find the hard way.  To step on these or sit on, as they have left them in my bed and I have sat on one, causes the most discomforting pain. 

I thought I must be reading to much into these little toys but I am now not so sure. Yesterday I split the Hooligan boys up. I let one go to another foster home so I could work with a new foster that needed more help. I new the home would be a wonderful foster home for him but worried how they would act to being separated. I get up in the morning to this. I know I am not being parodied but I will turn the lights on every time I move in the house.  Even though they are both doing marvelous and have settled down 100%, I believe I did the right thing and now believe they are going to be great additions to a new family, but I will be ever vigilant when moving around my house.       

English and Phones ??

My kids English is troublesome at best, and has a hard time taking messages, it's just about out of the question.  I tell them to direct the caller to my work phone and then there are less problems. That always does not happen either.  They still do not understand the machines that call phones for human telephone solicitors.  So When I hear them say Hello three or four time I yell hang up, its a machine. Now if I am at home they bring that phone to me and then I hang up. I have yelled at them so much they hang up on everyone, they even hung up on my brother, he called back and they hung up again.  He called back and yell "don't hang up", we all got a laugh out of that one. Now they are really confused. So now they answer phone and lay the phone down and don't hang up. So the phone is still problematic around the house calling in. Then I tell them if they don't ask for me by name I don't want to talk to them hang up. It seem to be getting a little better. The phone rang and we are all in the kitchen getting something to eat and the oldest picks it up and then says"hello" then she just stands there for what seem to be eternity. then she finally says"she is busy call back", then she listens for another millennium then put the phone down in front of me.  Now in my mind I saw her hang up then put the phone down.  But she starts in about a person that makes us nuts here at the house, and no one really wants to be bothered by this person. I then realize who she was talking to and I start running my big mouth Bla bla bla, in a not so nice tone and using some colorful language on top of that: when she reaches over the counter and grabs the phone quickly and looks at it, to see if she really hung it up or not. I immediately choked on my words and thought how am I going to apologize for my behavior. It was clearly a WTF moment and in the split second it took her to check the phone and me react to the embarrassment of my bad behavior she says "Oh" and put the phone back down. Every one realize that she had really hung up but for just that second she caught all of us off guard. The laughter at that moment became out of conrol. Then the girls call me out for my behavior and big mouth. Wow no end to the red face for me.

Damn Exchange student

Last night was graduation for my second eldest daughter lots of activities and laughs and just a great day. On the way home  after dinner we are all in car laughing and making fun of the thing we all done that day to embarrass our selves, talking about what we will do on Sunday and just winding down the day. The Damn exchange student, as she has earned her title. Says "what time is the first bus in the morning"? Our Graduate speaks up and rattles off the complete bus scheduled for the whole day of Sunday.  Showing us her that her education is complete.  The jokes stopped by the time we got home.
This morning everyone starts stumbling out of bed around 7:30 and sometime after 8 the exchange student leave and say "goodbye see you around 6 tonight", now I am thinking first bus is at 9:50 on Sunday she must be walking. Then the next kid leaves at 9:30 then the third leaves at 2:30 and the day move on with me and the other two girls and Damn dogs.  It a sunny, breezy balmy day and the dogs are running in and out and barking, I am ready to commit Harry Carey letting dogs in, as a load runs out. For the life of me I could not get the little bastards all in or all out at the same time. By
 3 PM I am ready for a nap so I can survive.  But Damn dogs think they have to eat at 3:30 so for the next two hours they jump on and off the bed barked at every sound they hear as the breezy day outside kept the branches on the tree next to the house moving all day long. One of the girls at home baked a cake and, well let’s say there was no complete nap just closing and opening my eyes and yelling shut up. By 5:30 my head is pounding and I feel like ripping their heads off and so I get up and feed them. Then as I am winding up the feeding of the dogs the exchange student comes home and the barking starts all over and my humor is gone.  She bounces in the house, I'm yelling shut up at the dogs and saying 'I'm not sure I can go through two more bark session when the others come home": when the exchange student starts to tell us about her day.  She says "Mom do you know what happen to me today"? I got to the bus stop to early and had to wait around for the bus for more than an hour.  I started to laugh because we had just the night before laughed about the bus times. Then the next kid come in right behind her and starts in about how she saw her in the morning standing at the bus stop. Both of us was laughing because we both thought the same thing when she left, must be walking. She says "I was wondering why no one said to me why are you leaving so early" I told her "You know even though your leaving in a week for your country does not mean you won't still be a damn kid in the damn dog house. You'll just make someone else nuts.  Then I ask what were you thinking when you left. She says "I was thinking if I leave at 8:20 I will get to the bus stop around 9:50". It's about 30 min to bus depending on how fast you walk. I couldn't stop laughing because her math was just one hour off. Damn Exchange student fits right in this house. I got my humor back...

Pizza or NOT

We have a restaurant/pizzeria here in town that is a local favorite eating place for as long as I can remember. They have won more awards for their pizza than I can count. Everyone here at our place of work loves this restaurant’s pizza as they pile them high with whatever you want, they are mouthwatering, so when management does a recognition luncheon for their department they order from this restaurant. Yesterday was our department’s luncheon and the pizza flowed. 
We have a small department just down from ours called label lab, today they ordered their pizza’s so they would be ready at lunch time.  Lunch time came and one of the guys went to pick up the pizza’s and when he arrive the fire department was their the local news, as soon as the shock wore off he drove down the road and picked up some 5$ hot and ready pizza’s so they would have something to eat at lunch.  He came back and told everyone that our favorite pizza place was on fire. Now we heard the news with great disappointment as the folks in label lab had their mouthwatering for this wonderful pizza and all they got was a 5$ hot and ready.  The jokes started immediately.  My co-worker and I said glad we had ours yesterday as we laughed at the sight of 5$ hot and ready box walking by us. There was mention of getting one of the boxes from yesterday and as the person held up his left hand above his shoulder as if he was carrying a pizza, and pretended to drive with the right hand, then said he should drive by the label lab on the fork lift with the box. The visuals of this sent all into a bout of manic laughter, which for a while was out of control as the joke just kept on.  As all settled down and we went back to work someone sent out the news article that the fire was small and in a vent pipe and basically not going to shut them down for more than an afternoon. Well the jokes started in again.  Glad its Friday……

Bats and Blogs

Blogs are still a mystery to me.  I am not sure what I am doing but why I am doing it is a great stress reducer. Telling stories about the chaos that has become normal to me helps me to take a breath and look at the funny side to all of this.  I never knew it was so amazingly therapeutic. Now I can't spell and my grammar and mechanics are not going to get me any A's. I am told that no one will read my blog if my spelling and grammar are bad.  Ok, don't care it’s for me that I write.  But the stats that are kept on blogs are giving me the, who, how and where my blog is being read, and it makes me scratch my head in WTF.  Who knew that I have a really big following in Russia?  Thank you Russia.  But a couple of my blogs have created what I call a ton of attention.  Now, Bats in my Basement, has caused a lot of searches I have learned. This mystery made me do some research on my own, about why would so many folks search for my blog about my bats.  Wow I would have never guess so many people have bats in their basements it seem hundred and hundreds of folks complaining about bats in their basement, and just as many giving advise on how to get them out.  I thought bats liked the belfries/attic. I have to stop watching so much TV I'm starting to believe this stuff.

Phone torture doesn't work any more.

                             

          

My sarcastic sense of humor and the use of my shock treatment that I torture my kids with is coming back to haunt me. My phone at work rings and I see it is the house, so I love to drive the kids nuts and the phone is my favorite tool as they have no visual aids to help them understand.  I grab the phone and say “Hello county health department”. With out one moment of hesitation my daughter says “Yes I need birth control right now”.  I almost choked myself laughing.  She got me so good. Then she say’s “Mom I know it’s you”, as if I am the lamest person on earth.  I guess I need to find another way to torture my kids.  The phone no longer works.

                       



Ketchup is not a food group

Growing up we had a family from the South that lived next to us and I thought grape jelly on grits and Ketchup on eggs of any kind, was a cultural Southern food. Now after I grew up and lived in the South for 14 years I realize it was not, just someone’s odd taste that was developed and passed on in the family. Now as odd taste will go I have a couple such as A1 steak sauce on cottage cheese. I say this to be fair to the kids who eat the strangest foods, and food combination that will cause me to twinge a little to see them eat it. Now I am sure that most have had a sub from Subway and everyone has a different condiment that they want on their subs but as of yet I have not found one Subway that has ketchup, nor have I met anyone who puts ketchup on their subs. I have stopped asking because I get the strangest looks and snickers and it’s not for me.  One of the girls eats ketchup on everything and will just squirt it in her mouth and go yummmm. I buy it by the gallon and she eats it by the gallon. When we are out she will drive me nuts till I have gotten the ketchup and she can see it as proof that I really did asked and got it for her. 
We took a day trip up North this weekend to do some sight seeing and beach combing. We stoped for breakfast at Mc Donald's as it is cheap and quick, sometimes, it’s a gamble we take when in a hurry. We had a lot of things we wanted to do in one day so sitting around eating breakfast was not on our list. I felt so bad for the lady taking our order: as they were short handed and the lady of retirement age was the only one at the register.  We are a nightmare to wait on; sitting at a table or standing at a counter.  I always try to get the order and give it to the waitperson as there are less mistakes and the waitperson will survive us better. This time being no different I get all the girls orders and I'm arranging them in my head to lessen the stress on this poor lady, when my ketchup eater starts in, don't forget ketchup. I said "you’re only eating a biscuit and hash browns". Now distraction will send my mind into the twilight zone in a flash; so when the kids then started to ask questions about every item on the menu, my arranged and helpful ordering technique went straight out the door. So now they all want to have one thing from each of the groups of foods in their one through 12 ordering system. All I can say is we did get the ketchup right and in a large quantity, and I am real sure that poor lady was close to having a stroke by the time we left.
As we are trying to consume our food with 9 dogs in a van going down the highway, the complaints and bitching started.  Then two of the girls started in teasing the ketchup eating girl, as she is just eating ketchup. Now I get in on the back end of the situation and say "you’re just eating ketchup"? Then comes the, ya Ma let me show you, everything after that was a blur of chaos. 
Cabot who is my bad boy alpha is sitting in my lap when L. sticks what I learned later was a packet of open Ketchup over my shoulder to show me how she was eating it. He then thinks she is offering up food to him and tries to grab it from her. She screams and yanks her hand back and the ketchup went flying, it was flung from my shoulder all the way to the back seat hitting both the girls sitting back there, the sides of the van and everything in between. Now I have no idea what the hell is going on other than now the dog is licking my shirt and the girls are all yelling and laughing. One of the girls did not find humor in the ketchup slung across the front of her shirt and just sat there as ketchup girl and one of the others cleaned her off. All the dogs are now into getting as much ketchup as they can. I cannot do nothing except laugh and drive while catching glimpses of chaos coming from my rear view mirror. I still have to see if I can get the stain out of the back of the seat.