My confession

I don't think we can control our hearts and who we will fall in love with and that goes with out saying about everything. Being in rescue I started out loving every dog and crying my eyes out when I had to let go. I thought I may not be able to continue my work in rescue because the pain of letting go was so hard. It took a lot of soul searching and preaching to myself to stay. As the time went on and the number of dogs I helped grew and it got less and less painful. I found it easy to wall up my heart and not let them in. I could love them take care of them and find them a good home and say good bye. I have let myself believe that I have found the magic to keep me safe from falling in love. I can not begin to tell you how many dogs have gone through my home and life during these years of rescue. There have been some absolute beautiful dogs, some so wonderfully good and loving dogs. But there I was tough as nails not letting any of this get to me. I just let the dogs be taken into a different room and I walk out the door and I am gone. Now one year ago I took in a little dog that had crossed my path many months before and when I first laid eyes on her she did not look anything like a Chinese Crested except she was hairless. She was the oddest little girl. So when she ended up in my home to foster I knew she would be here for awhile.  She is a character and has her own little personality that I knew if someone could just give her a chance she would be a great little companion for a family. I got inquires on her every now and again but when they found out she would bite another dog if they entered her comfy space the potential adopter looked else where for the dog of there dreams. My kids have names for all the dog and most are not so nice but they always love them the same and treat them good. They tell me why don't I adopt Julie instead of so and so dog. I am always responding to them that there is nothing wrong with Julie she is one of the best dogs we have. And then they come back with, but she is ugly and she looks like a witch or some other equally stupid comment. A few weeks ago we went an a road trip doing dog transport and all the dogs were being their totally annoying selves except for Julie. She found her comfy spot in the van and stayed there not being annoying or shovie in any way. She sits nice and begs with her eyes not her body. After hours of the dogs being a pain in the ass one of the girls said " Mom you know Julie is a really good dog, she is better than the other dogs". " I told you so, you guys never believe me".
Julie has a wonderful application on her and most likely will go to this family we just need to do a home screening and if it goes well she will be adopted. Now the girls are in heaven because that she is finally going and the other two dogs we have also are 99 % adopted. Just a few detail remained and then if all goes well they will be on there way to their forever homes. There is no end to the girls' excitement about no foster dogs. It will be short live as there are two more on their way.  Last night  as we were leaving Mya it struck me that Julie is next and she will finally have the home she deserves. The twinge it gave me sent me into shock as I thought this would not happen to me again. Then when we arrive back home Julie came up and got into my lap and the sudden sadness that came over me was so startling, I went to bed very sad and mad at myself for be so smug about the fact that this could not happen again to me. I have a steel reinforced concrete wall around my heart that will keep out all the dogs and protect me from the pain of letting them go.  And yet here I am dreading the day I have hoped for for over a year. Never say never.