Pain

I seen life coming at me but I did not think it would explode in my face.  My car has had a noise problem for years when it is started in the cold morning, more of a scream. My mechanic told me before the holidays that the power steering was not going to last. I change the fluid and decided to run it till it died then spend the money to fix it. I just became so accustom to the morning scream I forgot that this was going to come back and bite my ass.  Now Taxes are a night mare for me so I put it off till I have no choice and must  do it. That often leaves me days and sometimes hours to get it in. This year being no different.  I was super busy and it was very easy to tell myself I did not have time. I made an appointment to get it done early hoping to push myself into doing it early and not having to take a day off from work to finish before the dead line.   That didn't work I cancelled. My co-workers tried to shame me. I just laughed at them and said it is what it is. My kids raged on me about getting them done early this year but I did not heed there warnings of you know what it will be like the day before. I thought I have a whole weekend to get them done so I can wait.
Rescue does not always happen at the best times. Not that I had to rescue a dog but I did need to transport two dogs and had no other choice but to do it this weekend.
I have ventured into one of the biggest endeavors I have personally ever attempted to do. My dream has been for many years to have a PIO that fact that I am a rescuer make it totally impossible to go to a breeder to get one. They are just rare enough to almost never see them in rescue.  I answered a plea to help a PIO that was injured and needed to be rescued.  Not really knowing where the dog was I jumped into action to help. Little did I know the dog was in Peru. Now as I sank deeper into this and the twist and turns it was taking. I ended up to my eye brows in this rescue not knowing where or how it would happen.  I have lost all my senses and to get straight to the point will get on a plane in 5 days to Peru not only for one dog but two. I have no idea what I am doing, If I did I might not be doing this. I am aware of how stupid I am being and that this could end up a huge train wreck. But am pushing forward to make this happen. So the explosion started last Tuesday as the power steering finally went. My job has become a head ace and I have ask for so much time off that getting one more off to finish my taxes is impossible. So between the van, the kids stuff and the PIO rescue, every night  has been filled till late. I have no brain cells in the evening so sitting down to do taxes just did not happen. I had to go to Alabama to take one dog and bring one back. I called my friend she said we could use her car and left the van with the mechanic. She picked me up after work on Friday drove straight down, was there by 5:30 am swapped dogs and was back on the road home by 8:30. We drove till we got into Indiana when my daughter called and said Archie my senior dog was not walking any more. My heart sunk as I knew it was his time and I was not there for him. I have been in denial about how long he could keep going. I see him get up get drinks of water eat beg for food and sleep in front of the heat vent. I knew he was very old and was going but I thought he would go last year. I watched his body deteriorate but his zest for life kept him going. I never gave it a thought that the time would be now. I got home late on Sat. I had no car and I had to finish my taxes on Sunday.  I bathed him and wrapped in towel and we went to sleep together. I thought surely he would pass during the night. He did not and was drinking water again in morning. I kept my mind on the task at hand and finished getting all my stuff together for the tax appointment at 2. By 11 I was not able to keep my head on. I could not stand by while my love was fading before my eyes and I had no idea of what kind of pain he was in or discomfort. I call my vet and was told she was on her way to work. I then called my mom as she was taking me to the tax appointment I want her to come early. No answer. I hung up and then she drove in the drive. I ask her if I could use the car. I drove Archie to the vet. I was so focused on the what I had to do I did not have time to think of what I was doing. I was taking my dog to be put to sleep. As I sat there waiting for the vet it hit me. I must say goodbye for the last time. The pain was sharp and stinging. I had not given myself the time to except this. I acted as though it was just the process of life and it would hurt and then I would get over it and go on. I  cried and my vet hugged me and left with his frail lifeless body on my lap. I totally lost it on the way home. I had to pull over to get my self together so I could drive. Now I must hurry home and continue on with life. I took him to the garage and put him in a box on the shelf. I went in got my papers and went to get my taxes done. My mom never says anything to me because she know I will act like nothing is wrong and keep all my pain to myself.  Taxes done, kids are home, dogs fed, dinner is over and one of the kids ask where is Archie. I could not keep it in any more so through my tears I told them what I had to do and all became quiet and I left the room. I have been so tore up I decided that first time in my life I need to talk and so here I am blogging to the world of the pain I can not bare to let any one see.. I hate to let folks see me in pain or tell that I have it. I keep all of this in my guarded shield protected heart.. I am getting to old to keep all of this in so I will face all in the morning and pray my blogging will not make me drop of the deep end. I will walk a mile to the bus stop take the bus to work and get there late pick up my van after work and life will go on I want my pain to go away I feel like my heart is breaking and I am in a very dark place. I'm hoping for this to lift me from that place and prey it does not drag me deeper.