Farmers tan

When I was a child my father always had a farmers tan.  The dark leathery neck above the neck line of his shirt and the dark arms starting at the biceps down.  His farmers tan was so dark that it lasted his entire life.  He was so scorched that his pigment was permanently tattooing is arms and neck.  As I look back it was so natural for him I really never noticed him when he took off his shirt, but the contrast was so strong between his little skinny white body and neck, head and arms that looked like cow hide in texture and color.  The dogs being hairless will get the same farmers tan even in the winter from sitting in the sun filled windows. The odd body part that also tans is the butt.  So when the jammies come off the lower part of the legs, the head, neck and the butt/tail that sticks out are tanned and the rest of them look pasty and gray. It’s not noticeable because you don’t see the whole dog but bath times you can see just how much time they spend in the sun filled windows and floor;  then they start to even out as the first weeks of warm weather start. This year the jammies came off early as the weather has gotten warm earlier than usual. Julie the foster dog's tail is low on her butt and hags down, she swishes her tale a lot I guess I really don’t pay attention to it but she is tanning up everywhere  except for the butt under the tail.  It looks like a upside down rain soaked windshield that has just been cleared by the wiper. I had another dogs whose butt looked the same in the first weeks of sunny warm weather. Marley's tail is higher on the butt and stands straight up and curls over his back; he has just the cutest brown cheeks and his exit shoot is the same color.  I just love to watch them tan up, each one tanning just a little different color and way. They are all sun/heat seeking little creatures.  They will sit in the sun and fry with out a care in the world. They can be close to heat exhaustion tongs hanging out and skin sizzling and will not move from the window.  The skin over the years will start to freckle as the pigment starts to pile up with all the sun exposure.  The older they are the more freckles they have.  Mine do not stay out side for long periods of time but they will lay in a window all day long if the sun is coming in the one they're in. The freckles are less noticeable in the summer and in the winter the spots over lay on each other making the older dogs have a tan looking skin of many colors and the younger dogs I always want to connect the dots to see what shape I can come up with.This year the jammies are off, farmers tans have evened out and they are all sporting a nice tan and its only April.

And they done it to themselves.

The weather is so mixed up that Mother Nature is totally confused about what season this is.   We have had a few 80 + days, lots of 70’s and 60’s with sun shine is becoming normal.  Our Tulip festival is in the first part of May and they are all in full bloom and will be gone by the time the festival starts. My kids are already dressing like it is 100 degrees.  I personally have not removed my sweat shirts yet.  Its chilly in the morning but warm in the afternoon.  Most mornings are made up of the same argument, is that what your wearing to school you know it’s not summer yet. “ Ya Ma it’s going to be hot”.   Ya but it’s not hot now, then they all start in about having to carry their jackets all day; now every morning going through this argument, is a pain.  I decided that they will learn some time that the weather can change in the blink of an eye.  Now I have to say that I am not taking my coat to work but all I have to do is go to the garage and get in the car and the few steps from the car to work so I don’t want to deal with a coat either.  But if I had to walk a couple of blocks and wait for a bus I think I would think twice before leaving without one.  So this morning they all come down dressed as if it’s 80 degrees out and it is 30 degrees.  Sandals and tank tops with a sweaters over it.  I said nothing and then when I got to work this morning it started to snow and we have had snow showers all morning.  It has made my day thinking about them having to walk home in the cold today. And the best part is they done it to themselves.

Fried brains!!!!

I thought I could make it through spring break without having a flippen meltdown.  All I can say is, I wasn’t even close. The melt down started Wednesday afternoon: the instructions I left for the kids never took place. I absolutely hate kids at home, not in school all day long. They call me at work a hundred times. The fact that I share an office with others does not allow for privacy in the first place; getting mad at them with others in room bothers me.  By the time the second one call about some piddly stuff I am agitated, my voice gets strained as all I want to do is yell “stop bothering me”.  Now all of them have called once and they are on their second round of calls. Work is getting tense and I know I need to get home quick because someone is coming by to visit one of the foster dogs, but I need to stop at the store on the way home;  my shoulders are up around my ears, and my head ache is coming on like gang busters. By the time I get out I have 15 minutes before she arrives, I am hoping to slip out 5 minutes early but the security company is working on the door and they want to leave 5 minutes late. Here comes the anxiety attack, because I do not want the dogs to greet the lady before I get there to run interference. I am racing home and decide to skip the store because those damn dogs will be way overwhelming for this unexpecting lady. I drove just a little quicker than the garage door was opening and almost took out the door. My mood is totally primed and it won’t take much to meltdown.  I get the excited, I have not seen you in years, greeting from a mob of barking dogs while I am trying not to step on them going up the stairs with the jumping barking dogs all around me.  Shit, it’s all over the hallway and the dogs are jumping in it and the hooligans are in the basement. Wow the only good thing is all the kids were together when I blew.  Usually the first kid I see gets the brunt of my eruption. The blinds were drawn and the room was dark and the girls are laid out all over the place, with blankets everywhere and their still in their jammies; TV blaring Korean soap operas with ear piercing volume. What the Hell have you guys done all day, and why is the volume up so loud? You don’t even speak Korean you read sub titles, Are you kidding me????? I started in “there is shit everywhere and the dogs are in the basement, the sink is full of dishes and Archie is in the garbage”.  Everyone up and clean this kitchen and straighten things up before the lady arrives.  You didn’t do anything I ask today, you just sat up in that living room frying your brains with TV. Then the silence the kind that comes when you know things will get bad if you don’t shut your mouth. We did make the clean up in time for the ladies arrival. The first thing the foster did was nipped her nose, OK this placement is gone.  My mistake I just think people know not to put their face in striking distance of a strange dog. I forget that not everyone knows this, so now I want to kick my own ass but I’ll go get a glass of wine instead. Thursday morning two kids were to go on a field trip together, first thing I find out one changed her mind without telling me, now the whole house is awake as I am screaming up the stairs to lay down the law and proceeded into the sentencing part of the infraction. I barked out my daily instructions and told them don’t let me come home to the same thing as last night and headed for the door before I could say one more thing because it was going to get bad.  Ahhh Work what can I say it started out normal then I get the e-mail from offending child.  Begging me to not punish her ,my reply was the same,  As she proceeded to plead her case through e-mail and my no was now in caps, all I could think of is, I can’t believe we are arguing with e-mails.  Things just did not brighten up any and it’s time to go home to kids laid out all over the place frying their brains with the TV. GAWD I hate it when they’re home all day.  Dogs running amuck and nothing done, I want to run away. When I arrive home things are much better and the offending child has gotten over the morning encounter. Laughter is coming from the living room and dishes are cleaned up and the dogs didn’t seem as obnoxious so hey this is better.  Then a senior moment came over me and caused me to go into overload with one of them. As I am briefed on my own actions that caused this overload I apologized and shut my moth as I can see I am not really better. Then one pips up and said are you done fighting with L? Because I don’t want to hear another feight like this morning. Then I had to listen to how the day got started for the offending girl.  She said I scared her out of sleep and when she jumped up she ran into something and hit her head, as she, barley, stood there dazed and confused I am yelling you better answer me.  Now we are all laughing as we get to see both side of the confrontation.  Ok I need to relax or I will blow an artery.  So we cooked and ate dinner or they cooked and I ate dinner. Life got calm and I barked out one more order to get the grass cut before Sunday, and headed down to my room.  This morning I am so happy it is the last day I have to go home to the brain fried kids, now if I can just get out of the house without an incident I might get through this with my attitude intact and  because I need all the patience I can muster up to get through Easter.  We pack'm in at the holidays and I can barely get through holidays anymore, It has become the hardest job I have to do, make a house full of people happy all day, cook a ton of food and fend off the dogs. As I made my 12^th trip down to the basement looking for my shoes and back up again still looking for my shoe as if one more trip will make them appear; I realize I am out of time.  I ‘m starting to sweat as I’m feverishly runny around looking for the shoes: I had my socks in my hand the whole time I even mopped my forehead with them, when I finally found the shoes.  I sat down and then realized where the hell did I put my socks now. I had No time to look just go get more socks, as I am sliding into work hoping I am not too late to start the morning out Ok, when the first kid calls, can I go to my sister’s house, OK, Then the second kid calls, can I go see my friend; now when the third one calls and says can I hang out at the mall, all bets are off on the rest of the day.  So when is that grass getting cut? I told you all I wanted it to be done before Sunday.  Ya Ma I will cut it on Sat.  What if it rains? It’s not, I looked at the weather.  Ok if it rains I am going to blow and you will just have to suck it up, and it will be worse than yesterday morning,OK, good bye Ma. The one good thing is, at least I won’t have to go home tonight to fried kid brains from the TV. 

Let the games begin.

When I look into the eyes of Joey and Marley I see a little devil. They are two peas in a pod when it comes to personalities. Not a bad devil a big tease, a clown, jester, scamp just a goofy dog. Everything is a game to them.  They both play to win but will concede when I catch up to them.  They drop roll over and show me their belly.  The games they like to play are, catch me if you can, now you see it now you don’t, tag your it, keep away and can you pick up a wet noodle.  The game will begin while I am at my weakest moment the time I am running interference for the kids/other dogs, phone rings, knock at the door or I get the call from mother nature to run now. Whatever they can snag at those moments mostly paper towel, napkins or tissues is what they grab and go with. Never drop something in front of them because they can grab it faster than you can bend over to pick it up. I am not so fond of these games because I can’t begin to run as fast as these boys  and I am not so willing to smack into a wall or chair at top speeds as they do, so I must slow down on those corners.  The game will begin when I am least expecting it; because they have been here long enough I always try to keep stuff in my hand or under my butt any where they cannot get to it. The girls just lay their stuff on the end table they know I am watching them so they sneak up under the end table  between the chairs and stick their nose up on to the end of the table and grab, because they are not in my line of sight they get me every time.  I can see them coming when they are running on top of the furniture or on the floor in front of me, but that slipping in behind me thing, they found to be more conducive to the game playing. Now the game is on, they head for the basement, to hesitate for a second is the difference between getting the paper back and them eating/swallowing it. So I jump and yell “ you little bastard drop that”. Before I can finish the statement I am already in the hallway, and they are making the corner to my room. The whole time I am thinking broken bones don’t heal so well at your age….. By the time I enter the room they are shredding it and when I try to pick it up they grab what’s left and jump on the bed. Now you’re trapped give that to me.  I get the end of the paper in my fingers and look them in the eye and say give it to me, drop it, DROP IT. The eyes scream OK you win, and they will open their mouth. Then they roll over and go limp so I can’t hardly get them off the bed.  So I grab a couple of legs and drag them to the end of the bed and I swear they become a wet noodle, a limp dog becomes dead weight and it’s hard to pick them up, just getting your fingers under them between their back and the floor or bed is a job all by itself.  Once on the floor in there upright position, they take off running, by the time I get upstairs they are standing in the living room, and I swear they are smiling at me, or chewing there nylabone. Now under ware are coveted and they do not give them up so easy; we are now playing keep away and catch me if you can at the same time. Now that the door is open with the nice weather they hall butt to the back yard, once there I give: they learn so fast and change the rules as needed. When paper goes to the back yard I quit, but other things they run out with I yell at the kids to chase them.  The one good thing about the paper consumption is that even after it has been recycled through the system it is more visible in the grass and can be found easily on clean up days, so let the games begin clean up made easier.

A new amusement ride ye haw

The Hooligan boy as they are being referred to these days have been on a caffeine high tonight, as they got my coffee and now are racing through the house at break neck speeds.  They get louder and louder as they run up the stairs, down the hall and slam into the dining room chairs; then regain there upright positions as they make a 90 degree left turn, their nails connected with the carpet and  they went hell bent to the end of the living room. By the time they got to the end of the living room they had enough thrust in their butts that the collision that occurs at the wall  had the resemblance of a derailed freight train. As the two of them start to wrestle they do not care what they grab with them teeth of theirs and one of these days one of them is going to grab, roll and bite and then one of them is going to be a sister.  At this point the volume of the TV goes up and everyone is yelling for them to stop. I am in my room while the thundering boys are upstairs and I swear they are shaking the whole house as they came running back to the basement. They ran by me and again had another collision, they got back on their feet and headed for the stairs again.  My computer sits just inside my room as you enter it.  My chair actually is out in the isle way through the room. I have one of adjustable chairs that you just reach down grab a lever and the air leaves and the seat moves down. Sometimes it can come down with a thud if the air leaves to fast. As I am the only one who uses the computer down stairs the chair stays at the same height, all the way up. 
Away the boys go back up the stairs thundering all the way to the dining room chairs I started yelling for them to knock it off but the play continued. As they are running at full throttle back down the stairs,I am sitting here just responding to e-mail drinking another coffee as they got the first one;when they got to the bottom of the stairs and try to hook a left hand turn the first one collides with the door jam and the second one collides into the first then as they are trying to gain their upright positions and get some floor under their feet they tumble into my room.  They both get going at the same time, hit my chair and the little lever.  When my chair stopped moving in both directions down and over, I had spilled my coffee all over the front of myself and I am three feet away from the front of the computer. All I could do is just sit there and laugh, holding an empty mug of coffee. I have never had an experience like that where my ass got smacked as the chair bottom hit the lowest point and I was shoved out into the middle of the room all at the same time.  I am still snickering at the thought of the whole thing again.  Hey maybe I can sell this as a new amusement ride to Disney,

Colorful language

I have a potty mouth, but in my own defense I know when not to use my colorful language. I work in a warehouse environment with one other female the rest of the crew out here is male.   In the office that I share with two others the language can get so colorful that it surpasses my potty mouth. Now as long as the person using said language does not use the same colorful word as a noun, verb and adjective in the same sentence, and they leave the Holy guys out of the mix I am Ok with it being use around me.  My female co-worker has a sarcastic sense of humor like mine the difference is her language, it is the most colorful of all.  To know her is to love her, she says what’s on her mind and it’s mostly colorful sarcasm. I can drop an F bomb here and there but F bombs do not have color; as it is just an F word. My co-worker can take an F bomb and add so much color to it that she can break half the room out in laughter and the other half will get red faced. We have many construction men working out here and they come and go all day long, and on occasion they have an encounter with my co-worker.  She has an outside voice and uses it a lot, now these poor men have no idea if she is serious or not when the encounter takes place.  The encounter starts and the first thing I see is the deer eyes in the head lights look, then a red face or two starts popping up, I can see these poor men do not know who she is and have no idea what to say or do. I will often laugh or say something to let them know she is just kidding they immediately relax and often will jump into the banter and play along. Her favorite expression is” I am FABULOUSE” ! and depending on who she is talking to may throw in some color to that statement.  She tells everyone she” oozes preciousness from her pours”, and the sarcasm flows like water.  Needless to say  the stuff that pops out of her creates  the ROFLMAO effect in this office.  I can hold my own when it comes to the sarcasm but she has me beat hands down in the colorful language department.  I am mostly the silent one when she is in her zone, but will throw some off the wall out of character statement into the mix,  It is purely for shock value and often works I do not do this in front of others, so I can claim my innocents when the stuff starts to roll out here.  I will often blurt out something negative about her when she is in her zone to keep the spot light on her.  She is always trying to prove to others that I am the sick one in this office.  But I just sit here, then she will say” it’s the quite ones that you have watch out for, “Sue”! The third person in this office has colorful language so he is good in that area but lacks the sarcasm that  us women have,  but he holds his own back here and rolls with the punches.  We do not have many days that we do not have a good laugh.

The other day I saw this cute picture of a Pomeranian Dog, it was so poofy and fluffed up that its size was quadrupled and under the picture it said B@^&! I AM FABULIOUS. This has become her new mantra and proudly displays it in her cube.     

In a rant she was having with a co-worker she yells out sock cucker, now he started to laugh and she said “Hey this me being nice”.  I can sit with my back to her and put on my head set on and listen to music so I won’t be distracted but when she comes up with this stuff It just cracks me up. She can keep my day very interesting to say the least.  

Feet up tail out dead.

There are few simple pleasures in this world that can make me block out everything as I enjoy them . Being alone with the big TV and the couch is almost never heard of here so when it happens the rest of the world disappears my mind is shut off and I for a short time see nothing hear nothing and indulge in the fine art of  becoming a mindless couch potato. To enjoy a whole two hours of uninterrupted time in front of a movie with no other questions, explanations or fighting in the other room. I can count this pleasure on one hand that I have had in the last year or so. As the kids one by one left for the day and the dogs settled and barked for the last time, I found myself in a wonderful mindless bliss I had no intention of giving up. The hooligan boys came and went and time passed I knew that there would be a mess some place for me but knew it would be there no matter what time I went to investigate. My movie ended and so I had to come back to reality and go see what the boys had been up to. Of course as I made my way to the basement I cleaned poo as I went along.  I got to the back door and shooed all the dogs out and made my way down the stairs.  As I turned the corner and entered my dimly lit room and could see the two big Lincoln logs side by side in the middle of the room.  I turned and went up stairs to get paper towel and the cleaning spray, I thought now that was nice of them to leave them in the middle of the room and not the middle of my bed.  I came back and bent down to pick them up and thought what the hell have they swallow and recycled for me. I turned the logs over in my paper towel and to my surprise they were not logs they were dead mice and not recycled just dead, feet up tail out straight dead. Now, all I can think of is I am now becoming a wild life sanctuary. How many more of these things are running around? Do Bats eat mice????? or Good Dog go get'em.