Shoveling dogs

The oldest came home for spring break and was not in the house 30 min when one of the hooligans got her credit card and chewed it. She did not have time to realize it had even come out of her pocket.  I believe they have radar for such things.  It got me to thinking what I have lost over the years with all the dogs.  Although they did not chew the dining room chairs they do something referred to as shoveling.  They will dig their nails into the bottom of a chair and push themselves up the back of the chair.  I have a couple very vigorous shoveling dogs that get a momentum going and they can rub the jammies right off themselves.  But the chairs I have has a loose weave fabric on them ,the bottom of the dining room chairs are about gone. They went through the fabric and are now in the foam. There is a hole in the middle and they are almost to wood now.  I try to keep the chairs pushed under the table but the girls do not.  They will do this where ever they are when the urge hits them.  I have one that gets under the edge of the coffee table and rubs his back on the bottom of the edge, this also will remove a pee band when he has had enough of it.  Now the living room furniture is a little more durable and has held up under the shoveling dogs. Sometimes they will lean on the front side of the couch or bed and run up and down rubbing their sides along the length of them.  They will lay on their backs and wiggle around on the floor like a fish out of water, scratching themselves. Now almost every dog that has come through my house has done one or more of these behaviors. I have one now that if you cross your legs  he will stand under the one that is crossed over the top and rub his back on the bottom of your shoe or slipper, whatever.  I know sometimes there is nothing better in the world than a good back scratch, so it only stands to reason the dogs would like them to.  Since they destroyed the chair straight away I just tell folks please sit down sorry the dogs tore up the chairs and I am not going to buy another set for them to ruin.  The sofa has been pee on pooed on and puked  on. I am on my second green machine because I killed the first one.  The kids sit on the arms and the dogs sit on the top of the back, all are starting to break down.  I tell myself when I am done with kids and dogs I will buy new furniture, but in reality I will never be done so I will just buy smarter next time. 

Potty habits.......

It has come to my attention that one of the Damn Dogs is pooing on the move.  At first it was not so noticeable, but those scattered poos are not random acts of more than one dog pooing in same place.  They are now getting strung out, up and down stairs which leads me to believe the dog is moving while pooing. I can’t imagine a dog hanging his butt over the edge and it bounces down three or four steps.  Now I find myself wondering, is the dog walking or running when this takes place.  This in itself is of no consequences that fact that I am even pondering such thoughts scares me.  What has happened to my mind over the years that causes me to sit and think about such things in the first place. I really have a lot more things that needs my attention, but here I sit thinking about dogs poo habits. I don’t know if my age plays a big part of this or I am just crossing over to the dark side.  The side where I am totally consumed by dogs and their habits or lack of. Maybe I need more omega-3 fatty oils for better brain function. Oh my GAWD 30 years ago you could not have paid me to believed I would end up like this.  Back then my thoughts where on what I was going to wear everyday and if I had a date for the weekend. Now here I am contemplating how to get one over on my kids and how dogs poo . It scares me to think of what the next 10 or 20 years will bring.  Even when I am trying to concentrate on work at hand I can hear someone walking down the stairs and then scream out “OH SHIT!!” Now my mind goes right to which dog came down the stairs last because those stairs where poo free a few moments ago. Like it even matters I cannot make them not do it again, I cannot get one over on them all I can do is tell everyone to not walk around with out the lights on, keep your slippers on etc.  I find myself trying to figure out who made what mess by the size of the poo.  Again like it matters, I will just clean it up and go on with my business.  I cannot fight the potty habits of 10 plus dogs just deal with it.  So where this obsession with dog poo comes from is a mystery.  Will I need a 12 step program in the near future.  Will I ever just deal with it or will I keep on obsessing over it.  Heaven only knows.

Again with the underwear

Holly Cow Batman the Damn dogs have gone too far.  If they are not eating my underwear they are now wearying'em
I can't believe that my biggest subject to blog about is dogs and underwear.  I am starting to feel self conscious about the whole subject but on the other hand the Damn Dogs keep me in subject material. I'm just sitting at the computer tonight playing around wasting time when I see the dog on my bed and he is jumping and rolling around, upon further investigation this is what I found.

 I hope he's not becoming a cross dresser. He really can't pull this off.

Kids, Dogs and Underwear

As I approach the big 6 0 I find that I want life a lot simpler.  I do not decorate the house as it is just more stuff to clean and worry about. I don’t wear cosmetics because it take too much time to put it on then worry it is not smudging then more time to take it off.  And the price to look good is ridicules.  I mean a six pack of sock for men is less than 10 bucks.  One pair of socks for a girl is 3 bucks what’s up with that.  And don’t get me started on bra’s. A man came up with the idea and manufacturing came up with idea to put some lace on them and  charge an arm and leg for them.  Give me granny underwear and I will make them last for eternity and be comfortable at the same time.  So I refer to the bra’s that the girls buy now as 5 lbs bras as they don’t hold much and push you in every direction to maximize the 5 lbs boobs into 20 pounders.  Then adding to the underwear cost is Damn Dogs that like to eat them. This is costing me my life saving keeping the girls in undies. The dogs are always two inches behind your push off foot when you’re about to enter the laundry room and they are stealth about it you never see them or hear them.  The door opens and your alone standing in the hall.  You take your first step inside and quickly shut the door.  You feel a draft on your legs but nothing is there.  You go about your business of doing laundry.  Then you leave the room, again with the draft.  Now by the time I get upstairs there’s an offending dog just in heaven with his new found treasure exercising his mouth.  I grab the undies and take them back to the laundry room and I catch movement in my room :as it is across from the laundry room. What the HELL ,it’s another dog chewing up another pair of undies. He is not so quick to give up his loot so he grabs them and runs.  Now I am not chasing a dog to save their underwear. I yell up stairs “HEY you guys! The dogs got some bodies underwear”.  Chaos breaks out upstairs and with teenage girls there is a lot of drama that goes along with the chaos.  A few moments later one comes in my room, one hand on her hip the other holding out what looks to be the remains of underpants. Mom the dog keeps eating my underwear.  I said” don’t flatter yourself they eat everyone’s underwear.” Without a word she storms upstairs and I hear the sound of the cabinet door slam that contains the garbage, as she mutters Bastards.  Later that night here comes one of the girls complaining that her bra is broken.  I said” how do you break a bra?” look it broke in the middle you have to fix it. Well here’s your problem you have a 5 pound bra and you’re trying to put 10 pound boobs in it. In walks another kid and she want to see the problem and starts in how I have to buy her a new bra because  she is wearing the other girls bra’s then she starts teasing the girl with the broken bra, saying she wants boobs like hers and I need to buy her a bra that makes her boobs closer, as she proceeds to show us her cleavage or lack thereof. Holy Cow batman just put your elbows together and get the hell out of here with your underwear problems.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be so consumed with underwear or the lack thereof.

Chaqutia's story

My name is Chiquita I never told anyone this before but I can talk to my human. She always knows what I am saying I have not been able to talk to other humans but my own. When she rescued me from the BYB I live with, I only knew how to live in a cage. I spent all my days spinning and circling in the small cage because no one came to see me I did not know what a bed was or something soft. Lying on the cold floor of the cage was hard so I just circled in side. It was very difficult to learn how to live in a house with a bed and friends to play with. I love my human straight away but did not know how to show her I loved her. When she came home I was so excited to see her I would start circling and then my excitement would grow out of control and I would go faster and faster till I was running up the walls and jumping on her. I know I hurt her very bad sometimes because I saw blood coming from her. She always screamed in pain and would say I just don't know if I can adopt you out because I am sure I will have to rescue you again. I was never sure what that meant but I knew it was not good. She would be working at her table and I would lie on the bed and stare at her till she would look at me. I was always trying to talk to her to tell I was sorry and just did not know how to stop myself. She did not hear me though, sometimes she would turn and look at me and say I know you’re trying to tell me something but I just don't know what it is. My behavior worsened and I heard her tell other humans that they would have to take me to obedience school if they were interested in me and they would have to have a fenced in yard.
I always felt like she did not want me anymore. I tried so hard to be good so she would keep me, I tried so hard to tell her how much I loved her, but she could not hear me. One day she said to me we are going to have to find out why you’re so neurotic, so we will go to obedience class together or I will never find you a home. I was scared to death and it made me want to circle and spin more than ever. We went to many different classes together, shy dog, small dog Agility and many more. One day I just got so crazy I ran up the wall and jump out at my human and really hurt her bad the blood was everywhere. She yelled so loud it scared me and I ran and hid. I just knew she would never love me and I could not say I was sorry. I wanted her to hold me and when she did I would just hit her in the face sometimes making her eye hurt. She told me to stop but I could not so every time I sat in her lap I hit her face and she put on the floor. I felt so lost and helpless I wanted her to love me but I kept hurting her and could not stop. I did not know what was going to happen to me I tried so hard to talk to her and she would just say I sure do wish I could hear you. I liked living in this house with a bed and friends to play with I was afraid of all the humans in the house but one and all I could do is hurt her. One day she said I don't want to have to rescue you again so I will just keep you. Someone will not understand when you hurt them and they will hurt you back. So from that time on I something change for me I did not feel like I was going away any more I felt a little better but still tried to tell my human how I felt. That was 6 years ago I don't hurt my human anymore and last year she finally heard me. I talk with her all the time now and tell her how much I love her and glad she let me stay. She hugs me and holds me now and I stopped hurting her. I always want to touch her face but I am gentle now so I mostly annoy her but don't hurt her. I have learned to stop when she tells me to stop and I can sit for many hours without circling or spinning now, and I never run up the wall and jump on her any more. Now I can tell her things I like and she knows what I am saying and she never says I wish I could hear you she always says I know and everything will be OK. Because All I want to know is will I be with her forever. I now like other humans and like to sit in their laps too. I still circle but I am not out of control and only do it when I really get excited. I am not afraid anymore and my life is good.

Scheming little bastards

There is a concerning reality that has materializes over that last year or so.  I have mostly ignored it but I think I now must take control of this and get myself back in control. The Damn Dog have taken over and are working as a team against me.  I know this sounds a  bit paranoid and maybe there is meds that can help but I know they are in control.  Their scheme is quite  brilliant, and cunning, that’s why it has taken me so long to catch on to them.  When it comes to food the ploy is, take my attention then move in for the kill.  

I have my  morning bagel and coffee; this is a morning ritual even when I travel I take my bagels with me and eat them untoasted.  I will get my coffee and hot toasted bagel then head for the couch to watch the morning news.  I sit the coffee and bagel down on the end table so I can sit and turn the TV on and get comfy, I then fend off dogs.  Now while I am fending off dogs one of them will jump in the chair on the other side of  the end table; nab the bagel and run like hell. I get up and chase after the offending dog: I will not allow them to enjoy the fruits of their ploy.  Often I must chase them to the basement  where they will jump on the bed and go back to the wall and start to swallow it, because they know I must crawl across the bed to get them. They will get some of the bagel but not all.  Now I am mad as I head back to the kitchen and toast another bagel. Off to the sofa with a new bagel, after a few bites I reach for my coffee and find the little bastards drank it while I was chasing one of the hooligans.  Another ploy is if someone sets something on the end table hair tie, napkin, pencil etc; they wait till your nice and comfy, feet tucked  snugly  underneath  you then grab and run.  Now this turns into a game of catch me if you can.  When I put the dogs out they come back in two groups the cold group is first one to come in, then the, I need to check every inch of yard out group.   Now when I return to let the, I need to check the yard out dogs, in; I turn around and there it is, poo right behind me.  As I clean that up and go to the kitchen there is another poo waiting for me. I clean that one and go back to the hall way and someone else has done the same thing two inches from the first one I cleaned up. Now all of these thing seems as if the dogs are trying to make me crazy and just drive me out of my mind.  Now I took a trip this past weekend and realized they are not driving me crazy to get me certified but to get me to work for them. They use every opportunity of my aged mind problems to get me. We stopped to eat lunch and they got my bagel the whole bag. I put all food in the floor storage of the van but forgot them. I am always trying to stay one step ahead of them to minimize chaos. So in my planning for the trip I thought of every naughty thing they could pull on me and took something to counter act it. So as I am turning in for the evening I get my bag and open it and start sifting through all the jammies, shirts, pee bands, pee panties, pads, toys and other doggy items to find I did not pack one thing for myself other than clean socks. The girls are just getting a good laugh out of this. So I took off my shoes, changed my socks and went to bed in my cloths. In the morning I got up brushed my cloths off and packed the van.  Now as for convenience this was great but for hygiene and comfort I do not recommend brush and go.

I have finally dropped over the deep end and only think of how to keep them content.  I work for them: I must say their scheming worked and I never saw it coming.  

The trip to Jade's forever home

Our journey started out 1.5 hours late, no explanation other than  herding 4 kids and 11 dogs out the door takes a miracle on good days. We had to make a quick stop in Toledo OH to drop off a box to a friends house. Now all was going well till I took the wrong exit and my quick turn around in the middle of the road caused a disaster. Marley was sitting on the middle row seat and Chilly Willy was standing on the floor in front of him, when he decided to get rid of the half a dozen hair ties he ate and with that came the left over dinner and other unrecognizable stomach bile. Chilly Willy was drenched in the goo and the girls started screaming and he took off, jumping from one seat to another leaving a trail of stomach bile in his wake. As the girls tried to grab him he just kept jumping.  He slimmed the girls my new purse and countless objects on the floor. My oldest was sitting in the front yelling this is a disaster. I said " I am sure it is of epic proportion".
I could not stop, so clean up was done on the move and I was directing it from the drivers seat as I hurled us down the freeway at epic speeds.  I pulled in my friends home and the doors flew open and the kids jumped out and started calling dibs on the bathroom to clean them selves off.  
Back on the road again our conversation turned to the up coming visit of my friend Tina.  She takes the most wonderful pictures, so I said "I want to have Grandma come over so Tina can take a really nice picture of her for her 86th birthday."  So little one pips up and says ya Ma I'm going to take a lots of pictures with Tina's really good camera, and we can dress up and go eat. I said"OK". Then she says " Ma you have to dress up really nice because we are going to us Tina's good camera." Ya, OK I'll put on a really nice sweat shirt."  This comment got me yell at for the next 10 mile.
As we started into the foot hills of the Mountains the oldest complains her ears were plugged and she has a cold on top of that.  I said " open your mouth wide and yawn." No, that didn't work so I told her to put her hand up to her mouth and hold back the air as you try to blow, and with that I gave a quick demonstration. When from the back seat comes I can't do that I will pee and then I want to fart at the same time.  Thanks, but that is way more information than I wanted to know, as everyone breaks out in laughter. So on we went to Kentucky to deliver Miss Jade to her new forever home.  When we got close I called to let them know we were almost there. As I described my location it was apparent that I was not were I should be, as they didn't know where I was by my descriptions. I then hear my reality, are you on 75? I should be on 71 so what I thought to be a few more minutes turned out over an hour more. 
We receive a warm welcome and it felt like we were friends for ever.  I knew Miss Jade had the perfect home.  The Damn Dog were invited into the house I told them are you sure you know what your saying.  I was assured that the house was dog prof and not to worry.  Well the Damn Dogs lived up to the name and did not disappoint in there behavior. We ate and had a wonderful chat but time was marching on and it was dark, my fav for driving in unknown territory. The fact that they had to meet me to get the last 5 or 10 miles to their house left me thinking I was going to need more than a GPS to find my way back. I was give great instructions to find my way out, they were detailed in every way. I left with confidence that I could maneuver the 6 or 7 turns to get out of the subdivision.  What I did not get was the first turn after the driveway was a stones throw from their home, not  a block or so down.   One by one block, we looked for the street to turn on and after each one the kids would say it must be the next one Mom, until we hit the dead end.  We turned around and went back looking for the street we must have passed, when I look up and see we are passing their house and I said, GAWD I hope they are not looking out the window and see us they will think I'm an idiot.  I went down a house or two to turn around in hopes I would not be caught lost in front of their home. We found the road and then all went well and we made it back to the city to survey our choices of hotels. Looking for just the perfect set up so we could sneak 10 dogs into the hotel.  We found our target and proceeded with plans to get them walked and into the room with out detection. I have to say it was way to easy and it looked like smooth sailing from then on out.  Everyone had on pee bands and pee panties on, so no tell tail sign to be add to my credit card later.  Every one settled in and my oldest and I stayed up she did home work I played on internet. After midnight we went to bed knowing we could sleep in a little in the morning before heading back. About two in the  morning I was woke up by the dogs barking.  I get them quiet and tried to go back to sleep when I heard J@#$#$ C@#%@, uh uh uh Oh MY GODDDDDD, thud thud thud,   woof woof. I shushed the dogs, when it started again the moaning was intense then would came the Oh my GODDDDD.  Woof woof as I shushed the dogs again I knew that neither of them God or J. C. had anything to do with what was going on in that room. I have to admit they had stamina or Viagra. The dogs and the neighbors kept me up till after 4 AM.  The next morning I was complaining about them to the girls and they said they didn't hear them only the dogs woofing all night.  I said "How could you not hear that all night?"  I kept complaining about my lost of sleep from the Viagra induced party next door when one of the girls said " Mom you're just jealous" Now there is no way to reply to that so I choose to zip it and leave it alone. The drive back was uneventful and we all enjoyed the 50 degree sunny weather.